


It's Never That Easy

by Plumcake15



Category: Holby City
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt, F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-27
Updated: 2018-10-15
Packaged: 2019-06-17 05:27:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15454323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Plumcake15/pseuds/Plumcake15
Summary: It was a quiet Sunday afternoon in March when Bernie Wolfe found herself sitting in a quiet corner of a country pub waiting for her children.





	1. Bernie: Sunday Afternoon

**Author's Note:**

> I don't quite know where this came from, I sat down to write my other fic and found this scrawling itself across the page. For the purposes of this fic I have kept the canon back story the same, but it diverges before Primum Non Nocere. I know this is a short initial chapter, but it felt like a natural break in what I have written so far. I hope you enjoy reading it.

It was a quiet Sunday afternoon in March when Bernie Wolfe found herself sitting in a corner of a country pub. Running her finger up and down the side of her glass nervously, the cool drips of condensation chilled her finger tip. After the initial shock of both Cameron and Charlotte agreeing to meet her, now she was back in the UK, she’d found herself becoming more and more apprehensive about seeing them both again, it had been almost eighteen months since she had seen her children together, and that had been the disastrous Christmas debacle prior to Serena and herself leaving Holby. Her failings as a mother had been outlined to her that day in no uncertain terms by her daughter, and contact had been somewhat strained since then.

Every time the door opened she felt the nerves within her grow. Her mind running over different scenarios about how this meeting would play out. Would Charlotte still come? Would she be willing to listen to her? The questions were playing hard on her mind. The door creaked open once more, letting in a gust of cold air. Automatically Bernie’s eyes lifted to the opening, her blood running cold when she saw the person stood in the doorway. 

The tall man’s cold eyes searched the room, quickly locating her own. Without a beat of hesitation, he took a couple of large strides, coming to a stop in front of her. Bernie stood, willing her legs not to fail her, her forcing herself to keep her stare firm and voice steady as she spoke. “I wasn’t expecting to see you here.”

“No, you were expecting my children.” The voice of her ex-husband was bitter and full of hatred, his face displaying nothing but disgust. The look caused Bernie’s legs to wobble but gripping her fingers on the edge of the table she stood firm. “Charlotte and Cameron sent me.” She shook her head, her eyes searching over his shoulder hoping to see her children there, but instead she saw only strangers. “They aren’t here.” Bernie’s brow furrowed in confusion. “They sent me to tell you that you are dead to them. They want nothing to do with you.” Her eyes flickered up to his, her chest constricting, and, in that moment, she could feel her heart breaking, like it was shattering into a million tiny pieces. The emotion rising within causing every hair on her body to stand on end. She shook her head again trying desperately to not to show Marcus how much this was hurting her.

“No…” her voice caught in her throat, the tears swelling in the corners of her eyes breaking free as she tried to talk. “They wouldn’t… Cam wouldn’t…” she swatted fiercely at the tears on her cheeks hating that her ex-husband was seeing her like this.

“Never contact them again.” He spat venomously, “Both of them have new lives now. They do not need or want you… every time you come back, you ruin everything…” He sneered at her. “You’re a pathetic excuse for a woman and a mother. I don’t know what I ever saw in you.” With that he turned sharply on his heel and left, leaving Bernie shaking as she sunk down into the chair, allowing the sobs to burst from deep within and take over her body.


	2. Bernie: Sunday Evening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bernie returns home following her encounter with Marcus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit dark and twisty, Bernie is not in a good place. Please don't read it if this is something that could be a trigger for you.

Bernie didn’t know how long had passed when she finally managed to regain control of her breathing. She’d been acutely aware of someone placing a packet of tissues in front of her, asking if she needed anything, but she’d shaken her head although gratefully used the tissues to mop up the tears that soaked her face. 

Her eyes lifted eventually to view her surroundings. Carefully using the pad of her thumb to wipe away any remnants of tears, she continued to take long deep breaths to calm herself. It felt as if every ounce of energy had been drained from her body, all the determination and spirit usually associated with the brave and fearless surgeon obliterated. 

Without any fight left she dragged herself slowly into an upright position. Her hand gripping tightly around her car keys and her legs unstable beneath her as she all but forced herself to put one foot in front of the other and head towards the door. Repeatedly telling herself she just had to make it home before she fell apart again. Knowing once she was in the privacy of her own home she could allow herself to give in to the black hole that was threatening to consume her. 

If asked she couldn’t have said how she got home, the entirety of the journey passing in a blur. The whole exchange with Marcus playing on a loop in her head. His words tormenting her over and over again. “You’re dead to them. They don’t want you. You ruin everything. You’re a pathetic excuse for a mother.” Her mind unhelpfully unearthing every failing from her life to add to her pain. The medic in her knew finding solace in the bottom of a whiskey bottle was not going to be the solution to how she was feeling, however, in her despair, she reached for the liquor cabinet, hoping that the alcohol would dull the violent aching pain she felt radiating in her chest.

As the bottle neared empty Bernie took a long drag on a cigarette and mustered enough energy to pull herself off the sofa. She knew exactly what she was looking for in the sitting room, but the exact location of the item was a mystery. Through blurred eyes she pulled possessions from the back of the cupboard until she found the desired object. The photo album, the one containing all the photographs of her children when they were younger, now clasped in her shaking fingers. Slumping back against the sofa she took another long drag on the cigarette pursed between her lips before she opened the first page. 

Tracing her finger down a particular picture of herself, with a new born Charlotte and Cameron settled comfortably together tears began once again to splash down her cheeks. Shaking her head fiercely she took a sharp intake of breath, reached for the whiskey bottle and glugged down the last of the amber liquid, gasping at the burn it left as it slipped down her throat. 

Despite how the alcohol had clouded her mind the never-ending pain in her chest remained. It might never go, she thought to herself, perhaps she’d just have to learn to live with it. She wondered for a moment how long it would be before her body succumbed to the alcohol, before she slipped into an alcohol induced sleep. She didn’t think it would come soon enough.


	3. The Hospital: Sunday Evening

“Why didn’t she call one of us?” The young blonde slumped back against the back of the sofa in her brother’s flat. “And to ring Dad, Christ they loathe one another.”

Cameron shrugged his shoulders at his sister. “I don’t know Char, Dad called me and said she’d had someone phone the house and cancel. Emergency at the hospital or something. She probably didn’t remember our mobile numbers off the top of her head, but her old home phone number must be engrained. She used it often enough when she was away on tour.”

“It’s just so weird…” she furrowed her brow, flicking her hair back from her face, an exact mirror image of her mother. “Why would she arrange to meet us when she was working?”

“Her shift could have been due to finish Char, but if a trauma came in, she would have been needed. She’s the best they’ve got. One of the best in the country.”

Nodding sombrely, tears welled up in her eyes. “Sorry,” she sniffed, trying to hold them back, “I was just really looking forward to seeing her… I wanted to say sorry for everything and…” she paused, her eyes glancing down to her abdomen and her hand ghosting over its slight swell, “I wanted to tell her she was going to be a grandma.”

The shock was evident on Cameron’s face, his eyes blowing wide and his mouth dropping open. “You’re…” Instinctively he perched next to his sister and pulled her into him for a hug. “Char, that’s so exciting. How come you hadn’t said anything? Does Dad know?”

Slowly Charlotte shook her head, mumbling very quietly. “No one knows. Well you do now… but… I wanted Mum to be the first.” Her cheeks coloured a deep red, despite everything that had gone on between them, right now, pregnant and feeling scared, the only person in the world she really wanted was her Mum. “I really wanted to see her.” Cameron held her a little tighter as his little sister broke down in his arms. Trying desperately to comfort and reassure her, whilst reaching for his phone to call his mother. The phone immediately clicked to voicemail indicting it was switched off, with that he sighed trying to think of another plan.

Eventually he spoke, his voice calm and collected, hoping it would settle the snuffled cries still coming from his sister. “Look it’s a long shot, but we could head to Holby, see if she is still there… and if she isn’t, Serena might be, she’d know where Mum was… where she lives…” Feeling her nod gently against his chest, he pushed her back slightly. “Up you get then. Luckily I think I still remember my way round the hospital.”

 

Holby was exactly how Cameron had remembered, and with ease he managed to find AAU, keeping Charlotte close by so as not to lose her in the corridors. “The office is just over here… ah look, there’s Serena.” He shot a reassuring smile over his shoulder to his sister, continuing in the direction of the office. “Erm… Serena?” Cameron spoke as he gently knocked on the open door of the office. Charlotte a few paces behind him, glancing round the ward hoping to catch sight of her mother. 

“Cameron, hello.” Her expression was puzzled as she tried to figure out why he was on her ward, glancing over his shoulder to see if Bernie had accompanied him, double taking when she mistook the younger blonde for her mother. “Your mum not with you both?”

“Isn’t she here?” Cameron questioned.

Serena’s brow furrowed, flicking her finger across her phone to check she didn’t have any messages from Bernie “I’ve not heard from or seen her since she left to meet you both just after lunchtime and I came into work.”

“But… she had someone call to cancel…” Concern now etched itself across his face. “A trauma call or something.”

“A trauma call?” Serena shook her head. “Your mum wasn’t on shift today.”

“Then why did she cancel?” Charlotte’s voice cut in just before Cameron was about to ask the same question. Her hands trembling as she laced her fingers together in front of her.

“I didn’t know she had, Charlotte. As I’ve just told Cameron, I last saw her when she set off to meet you both. Let me try calling her.” Picking up the phone Serena dialled Bernie’s mobile number.

“It’s switched off, I tried calling her earlier.”

Huffing when she too got her voicemail, Serena nodded. “Bernie, it’s me. Please give me a ring when you pick this up.” She hesitated for a moment before continuing, “I love you.” Clicking off the phone she couldn’t help the worry rising within. Why had Bernie cancelled on her children and where the hell had she gone if she hadn’t gone to the pub to meet them when she’d left her house that afternoon? “Cameron what exactly was the message when she cancelled?” 

“I… I don’t know exactly. She had someone phone Dad’s house… he passed on the message. Just said she’d cancelled because of a trauma call. Something like that.”

Serena shook her head, panic now visible on her face. That didn’t sound like Bernie. Yes, she wouldn’t have entirely put it past her to run out scared when she got to the pub, but to go to an elaborate rouse of getting someone else to ring her ex husband to cancel on her children. No, that was not Bernie’s style. So, where the hell was she?


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can only apologise that it has been so long since I wrote any of this. The muse ran away. Hopefully it is back now and it won't be too long before I'm post another chapter of this.

Letting herself into Bernie’s modest end of terrace she furrowed her brow, the aroma of stale cigarette smoke and alcohol lingering in the air. “Bernie? Are you here?” she called out into the house, her eyes scanning the hallway for signs of Bernie being home. She turned to Cameron and Charlotte who were close behind her, keeping her expression as neutral as possible, her mind whirring with possibilities about what might have happened to the blonde if she wasn’t here. “Just erm, wait here… I’ll have a quick look about for her.” Carefully she padded towards the sitting room, slowing pushing open the door. There slumped on the floor beside the sofa Serena saw her partner. The blonde surrounded by a sea of tissues, cigarette butts and empty whiskey bottles. Her eyes blowing wide Serena was at Bernie’s side in an instant. Reaching her hands out she firmly shook Bernie’s shoulders, almost shouting as she did. “Bernie? Bernie, can you hear me?” The panicked tone in her voice was clear, even though she was doing her best to keep calm, but the lack of response from the blonde did nothing but exacerbate her panic.

Instantly Cameron and Charlotte where in the doorway. At the sight before them Cameron only just managed to catch his sister when her legs gave way under her, her high-pitched screams almost deafening. Trying to protect her, Cameron turned so Bernie was no longer in their eye line, squeezing tightly to Charlotte. “Is she…” a strangled sob prevented Charlotte finishing her sentence, her whole body shaking fiercely. 

Serena, despite tears now rolling down her cheeks, was doing her best to force herself into doctor mode. Her fingers hastily feeling for a pulse, the coolness of Bernie’s skin sending uncomfortable shivers through her body. “You don’t get to leave me too… do you hear me…” the rawness of emotion in her voice was evident when she spoke. It took what felt like an eternity for her fingers to fall upon a steady beat, the moment they did she let out the breath she didn’t even know she’d been holding in. “I’ve got a pulse…”

Relief surged through Serena, but she didn’t waste time from then on, ensuring Cameron phoned an ambulance whilst she took care of Bernie. Gently caressing Bernie’s hair, she pushed her blonde locks away from her eyes and face. “What did you do this for, hmmm?” her voice was raspy and full of emotion, her fingers ideally moving back over Bernie’s pulse point, needing to feel the steady beat to ground herself as her eyes scanned the room. 

“Is she going to be okay?” Charlotte asked tentatively.

“I hope so.” Serena spoke barely above a whisper. “I can’t lose her too.”

 

By two thirty am all of them were exhausted. No sooner had they arrived at the hospital than Bernie had been whisked away and Serena had found herself in a cold sterile family room with Charlotte and Cameron waiting for news. That was almost five hours ago now. Waiting was always the worst part of a loved one being in hospital. Even as a medic you were entirely helpless. The life of the person you love in the hands of someone else.

“I…” Charlotte croaked, her voice horse from lack of use. She proffered the photograph she’d found lying next to where her mother had been when she’d been taken to the ambulance. “This was beside her.” She looked to Cameron, then Serena. “Do you think she meant to do it? To kill herself?” she asked tearfully. Tears tumbling down her cheeks.

“No!” Serena screeched out. Standing and pacing the room. “I don’t know what happened. But she wouldn’t have done this on purpose. She wouldn’t.”

Cameron pulled his sister close, kissing the top of her head protectively. “This was the photo she took with her on tour, wasn’t it?” His voice was gentle to calm Charlotte. “The terrible trio or the three musketeers or something like that she’d call us.”

“Yeh, she’d leave a copy of this and milky buttons sprayed with her perfume under our pillows. I still have all of them. Even have a bottle of her perfume at uni.” She admitted shyly, shrugging her shoulders. “Even when I was cross with her about the divorce, I still missed how she smelt when she hugged me.”

Gulping back his own tears Cameron held Charlotte tighter, him relaxing when he felt Serena’s arms wrap around them both. “Your mum loves you both very much. As hard as it is for her to talk about her feelings, she often tells me about you both. About how proud she is of you. Of how much she misses you both, but so long as you’re happy it doesn’t matter. She’ll tell you all of this herself when she wakes up, I’m sure. She was going to tell you today.” Slowly she pulled back and brushed tears from both children’s eyes before cupping their cheeks. “I’m going to try and find out what is going on. Both of you stay here.” With that she straightened herself up and went in search of someone to help her.

Fifteen minutes later Serena tearfully stepped back into the side room, looking to Cameron and Charlotte, her eyes shimmering with tears, “They think she’s going to be okay.” Her hands clasped over her mouth as her body gave way to the sobs she’d been holding in. Both children rushing to her side to hold her as she cried. Once her breathing had evened out she held both their hands and spoke quietly. “She’s being moved to AAU. We can go and sit with her up there. They don’t think she’ll wake until morning though.” Nodding Cameron helped both the women to their feet and led them out of the relative’s room towards the lifts.

 

Throughout the night the three of them kept a bedside vigil, Serena’s hand gently placed over Bernie’s as they waited for her to wake up. The monitors she was hooked up to reporting a steady rhythm to her heart that was calming Serena. By seven thirty Serena had sent Cameron and Charlotte off in search of breakfast, instructing them to return to a strong black coffee for herself to give her a boost. She aimlessly stared at Bernie’s chest, watching it steadily rise and fall whilst she waited.

A cough was the first thing that alerted Serena to Bernie being awake, her fingers then wiggling softly against the hand above them. “Ssss…rena.” She spoke huskily. Startling to her feet Serena grasping tightly to Bernie’s hand. Bernie’s eyes blinked several times, her adjusting to her surroundings, trying to work out why she didn’t remember getting to the hospital.

“Hey.” Her eyes shone with tears as she stroked Bernie’s cheek softly. “You’re in hospital…” Bernie nodded her head in understanding.

“Why?” She croaked out. Her head feeling foggy. Serena lifted a straw to her lips, allowing the other woman to take sips of water to soothe her sore throat.

“One too many bottles of whiskey. Ric pumped your stomach and managed to prevent any permanent damage to your liver and kidneys.” She gave her a small smile. “I found you last night. Oh god Bernie, if I hadn’t of found you it doesn’t bare thinking about.” A tear slipped from the corner of her eye and splashed onto their joined hands. Bernie suddenly beginning to remember the events of the previous day.

“Sorry.” The blonde croaked out. “I didn’t mean to… I just,” her words caught in her throat, her face contracting in distress as she recalled the events of the previous day. “I wanted it to stop hurting.” Taking a sharp intake of breath, she squeezed tightly to Serena’s hand. “I went to meet them, but…” Tears bubbled from Bernie’s eyes as she recalled her exchange with Marcus, her breath sticking in her chest. “They sent him… to tell me never to contact them again… and I… I couldn’t…” 

“Shhh…” stroking her cheek with her free hand she tried to soothe and calm her distressed girlfriend. “Take a couple of deep breaths for me.” Glancing out towards the ward she caught sight of Cameron and Charlotte stood apprehensively in the entrance to the side room. Her lips drew into a thin line, nodding slightly at the pair to stay put for a moment.

Catching her breath again Bernie clung tightly to Serena. “They want nothing to do with me.” The rawness of emotion was evident in her voice. “I’m dead to them… and it hurt… I wanted it to stop hurting.” She cried out, burying her face in the crook of Serena’s neck.

“I’m going to kill that bastard.” Serena growled, holding Bernie tighter in her arms, drawing soothing motions on her back to settle her breathing. “He is a liar and a scumbag, Bernie.” She looked to Charlotte and Cameron apologetically. “I’m sorry, but he is.”

“We should have known he’d have had something to do with it.” Cameron spoke softly as he and Charlotte entered the room.

Bernie’s head shot up immediately, her eyes brimming with tears again at seeing her two children in front of her. “Cameron… Charlotte…” she wanted to reach out to them, but held back, scared to do so.

“Hi Mum.” They spoke in unison, edging closer to the bed and reaching for her.


End file.
